Just a year
by RandomActsOfSambriel
Summary: Sam found writing letters to Dean could be comforting. Set after the end of Season 9 Warning mild language, suicide
1. May 24

May 24

Dean,

I know you are gone. I know you won't read this, but I have no one else to talk to. I guess this comforts me in a way. You know, hoping that maybe you'll read this and realize that I'm proud of us too. Honestly I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I'm sorry Dean.

Sam.


	2. May 25

May 25

Dean,

I left the last note I wrote on the table, underneath a cup I forgot to put away before I went to bed. It's gone now, and part of me hopes you took it, but that's impossible right? Of course you disappeared too, so I guess nothing is all that impossible. It's not the same without you here.

Sam.


	3. May 26

May 26

Dean,

The last one disappeared too. This time I kept it in my room with me that way I'd know if someone took it. No one came into my room last night. Maybe it really is you. If it is, could you give me a clue? You know, Like when Bobby died and he tried to tell us he was there. I'm sure I'm probably asking too much. I'm just so confused.

Sam.


	4. May 29

May 29

Dean,

I confronted Cas about the letters disappearing, I felt dumb admitting I have been writing letters to my dead brother, but if he'd taken them then I wanted them back. He said he didn't take them and for some reason, I believe him. Everything in my gut is telling me it's you, but I know I shouldn't trust this. It would be too good to be true. Nothing good ever happens to me. I can't get my hopes up.

Sam.


	5. June 3

June 3

Dean,

If this is you, then I wanna tell you about Cas. Sometimes, on particularly bad days, he'll try to comfort me, but I always end up comforting him while he cries. You know, he sleeps in your bed. He says it still smells like you. I trust him, I'm not going to smell your bed. Cas wears your sweatpants sometimes too, even though he swims in them. He says sometimes it feels like its you keeping him warm and not the pants. Cas loves you Dean.

Sam.


	6. June 7

June 7

Dean,

Remember when we lived with Bobby and how we'd sneak outside and watch the stars when we were little? I thought I'd try that with Cas. He didn't enjoy it. All he did was mumble about death. He really killed the experience.

Sam.


	7. June 13

June 13

Dean,

We've decided to start hunting again. Well I have, I'm sure Cas will follow me. The bunker doesn't feel right, and I can't sit there all day. The first case I've found is in Arizona, something stealing people's teeth... I don't know, it seemed interesting. Maybe a tooth fairy? Just a thought.

Sam.


	8. June 15

June 15

Dean,

I studied the lore, asked around, freaked people out, the usual. It's probably a skin-walker. I haven't ganked one of those in a while. I know where it sleeps, I'll get it tomorrow.

Sam.


	9. June 30

June 30

Dean,

I realize it's been a few weeks. I'll admit it, I've almost lost it a few times. No, not the skin-walker. My sanity. Who would have guessed I even had any left to lose. I haven't seen Cas for a while. It's just really hard.

Sam.


	10. July 4

July 4

Dean,

I was thinking about that Fourth of July when we set of the fireworks and burned the whole field. That was so long ago. I thought it might be sort of the same if I bought some sparklers. I didn't want to do the big ones by myself. I burned my hand.

Sam.


	11. July 7

July 7

Dean,

I drove to the place you said had the best burgers ever. They didn't taste as good as I remember. I couldn't finish one. I couldn't even stay in the restaurant for 5 minutes. I need to toughen up.

Sam.


	12. July 17

July 17

Dean,

I stopped hunting. I thought it would help me, but it doesn't. I mean it was only one case but I don't want to do anymore. You'd probably tell me to get my head out of my ass, people are dying. But I can't Dean. I just can't.

Sam.


	13. July 25

July 25

Dean,

I finally saw Cas again. He just wanted to make sure I wasn't dead before he left. I'm pretty sure if he didn't feel obligated to take over your protecting me thing, then he wouldn't come back. I wish he'd stay with me. I don't have anyone to talk to, or sit with and drink a beer. It gets boring.

Sam.


	14. August 27

August 27

Dean,

I realize I've gone longer times without you. If you saw me, you'd probably hit me, tell me to forget about you, and say how you held me back and didn't deserve to live. Dean, you've gotta know that you were wrong. You were so much more than you made yourself out to be. I just wish I was able to string all the words I want to use into a sentence that you would believe. I miss you.

Sam.


	15. September 18

September 18

Dean,

I can't tell if I'm just too pathetic looking for girls to come up to me in bars or if I've lost my touch. It was never a problem before, I always had my fair share of women. Not since you left. Maybe you were the one who brought them over. You were always the better looking.

Sam.


	16. September 30

September 30

Dean,

They say getting over a loss takes time. That everyone grieves differently. But the thing is, is that I've grieved over you more times than I should ever have to. Maybe I've just done it so much that the only thing I can do is grieve. Maybe that's why even though it's been 5 months it feels longer than I've ever grieved for you before. I've run out of tears and anger, now I'm just here, not happy, wasting air and food. I don't know anymore.

Sam.


	17. October 11

October 11

Dean,

Cas came back again for an hour or two. He seemed happier. He even laughed. Did he see you? Maybe he knows how to get you back. Maybe he's moved on and is living his life now. Maybe I should do that too.

Sam.


	18. November 27

November 27

Dean,

It finally got cold outside. Not that I care. Everything seems kinda cold lately. The leaves fell off the trees, they look dead. I can't help but be a little jealous.

Sam.


	19. November 30

November 30

Dean,

I just remembered I forgot Thanksgiving. It's not hard to do when all you see are highways, motels, and gas stations. I'm trying to be thankful. I'm thankful I haven't accidentally totaled the Impala, and that I'm not out of money yet. I feel like there's not much to be thankful for honestly. You should come back.

Sam.


	20. December 25

December 25

Dean,

Merry Christmas.

Sam.


	21. December 31

December 31

Dean,

Happy New Years. I'll be getting drunk by myself as I listen to the countdown on the radio tonight. I've become a pro at drinking now. I hardly feel the hangovers anymore. I know it's nothing to be proud of. What do I have to be proud of?

Sam.


	22. January 24

January 24

Dean,

Happy birthday. 36 huh? Dang you're old. I would say I hope you got everything you wanted, but we both know you probably didn't. But who knows, maybe there's a bed filled with women waiting for you. God knows you deserve it.

Sam.


	23. February 8

February 8

Dean,

It gets lonely fast on the road. I was going to get a dog and name it Earnest. I thought maybe I'd feel better and distract myself by taking care of something else. But then I remembered I barely have enough money to take care of myself let alone a dog.

Sam.


	24. March 1

March 1

Dean,

I've gone back to credit scamming. I have three cards, I'm James Halley, Carson Smith, and Jamie Neilson. Creative I know. I would play poker to get more money, but we both know how badly I suck at that. These days it just gets really bad.

Sam.


	25. March 13

March 13

Dean,

You'll never guess, but it's Friday the thirteenth. It's not a good day for me. Normally when I get in a bad mood there's something that reminds me I'm okay, but not this time. It's not getting any better. I'm on the edge Dean. I have no clue what's at the bottom.

Sam.


	26. April 7

April 7

Dean,

Someone almost hit the Impala, and I did something I probably shouldn't have. No, I did not kill them, but I did shoot out a tire. Ok, all four tires. But he had it coming No one hurts your baby!

Sam.


	27. April 28

April 28

Dean.

God Damn it Dean! Quit being selfish and just come back! I've tried everything, but nothing happened, no one appeared. Am I not worth fighting for? Who am I kidding, I know I'm not. But I need you Dean. I can't do this without you. Please! I miss you.

Sam.


	28. May 3

May 3

Dean,

I didn't get what I wanted for my birthday. I knew I wouldn't. Why would it have been different from any other day? I think I'm done with everything. It seems like a nice change compared to the constant depression. I'm sort of excited. Maybe I'll get to see you again.

Sam.


	29. May 24 2015

May 24

Dean,

I realized I haven't said this to you in 30 years. I'm such a terrible brother. I feel sort of guilty because maybe it was all you needed to hear to not feel how you did. It's something I need to tell you before I'm gone, just so you can remember I said it. You'll always be important to me.

Goodbye Dean. I love you

Sam.


	30. 524

5/24

Sam,

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you so much pain. I didn't mean to be an awful big brother. I didn't mean to go how I did. But you have to stay strong. I know you've tried, you've tried so hard, and I understand. You have a future though. You'll find a nice lady and you'll live a happy life. You won't think about me every day. Just promise you won't forget me.

Don't you dare harm even a hair on that head of yours because of me. I need to know you are okay, that you'll be okay.

If it makes you feel better, I'm not dead. I'm not the same though, I'm a monster. It's not something I want you to see. It's not the me I want you to remember. We can get through this. You can get through this. But remember I'm always with you, for you, protecting you.

I love you Sammy.

Dean.


	31. May 27

May 27

Sam,

Sammy?

Dean.


	32. Authors Note

And that is the end of the story...

To be honest, I wasn't going to put the Dean letters in, but I figured why not. I don't know...

Thanks for all the reviews and reads. It's exciting seeing those numbers...

Well goodbye until my next story, which will undoubtedly be less depressing...

~DestielWithCheese


End file.
